That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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