...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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