I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
