Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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