I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I still have a little drunk in my system
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
