...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
