I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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