fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
