Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
