so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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