Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
