so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
