Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Is it because I queefed?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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