Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
