I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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