Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
two words...techno handjob
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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