She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
