Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
