I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
