Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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