Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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