I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
