I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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