I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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