if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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