she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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