Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
