He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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