i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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