someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
