its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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