I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Too much gin, very little bucket
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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