I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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