Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
