I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
NoShamevember. You game?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
