i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
