How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
