i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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