I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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