So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
