Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
