woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
