shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
