Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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