somebody snuck up and got me drunk
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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