Well apparently he's into motor boating.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
