I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
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I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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