Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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