I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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