I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
