He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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