Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
it's like iHOP with fire
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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