Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
