i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
