Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
