If i come over, it means nothing
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
