My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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