Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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