my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am available for nakedness
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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