I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
