Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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