I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
