i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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