k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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